Dear Liz,

I am once again using this blog as a pseudo-therapist and writing through this. I don't think you want to read this. I will talk about the crash and things I'm sure you do not want to relive. We love you and can't wait to see you at Thanksgiving.




On Thursday morning, November 5th around 8 am I was still in bed when Daniel came into our bedroom gasping a little for air as he blurted out, "My Dad died". Last night, laying in our bed silently, Daniel stared blankly at the ceiling and said, "My Dad is dead". It seemed like he was trying to convince himself it was true. The cold hardness of it. It felt final, like the moment at end of his Dad's funeral when the bagpipes started playing "Amazing Grace". Strangely, it's over and it doesn't seem like it's supposed to be. It's the feeling when you get the wind knocked out of you. You feel suddenly without air, for no reason and you grasp for something.

I mostly feel tired. Emotionally tired, tired of crying, physically tired from working so hard it put my lower back into spasms, but it felt good to feel something physical that hurt instead of just my heart. I miss Mark, but what is hardest for me is watching pain form on Daniel's face, his eyes redden and watching him weep. Like when we were packing up the car on Sunday morning before we left Pennsylvania and I came out to the car to see Daniel gripping the trunk of our car, with his head hung low and crying openly on the curb in front of the house. It was hardest to lie down next to him at night in the basement of his parents' house and in the dark hear him choke out tears and feel the air mattress shake with his sobs. But what is truly hardest is being able to do nothing.

As we were driving out to Pennsylvania, the 10 hour drive was not long enough to give us time to talk about everything, to think about everything and I foolishly thought I could help somehow once we got there. I didn't know what I could do to ease his mom's pain, but I thought if I just worked hard enough, if I did enough dishes or loads of laundry or if I prepared enough meals or organized enough closets, if I could just work so hard that it hurt, maybe it would ease some pain. I don't know why that was my first response - to just busy myself caring for people by cleaning and cooking ... it was silly really, but all I could think to do. It was simply overwhelming once I got there.

I walked into Liz's bedroom to get something out of her bathroom and stopped dead in my tracks when I saw Mark's shoes set right next to a bag of clothes he had packed for a business trip he would've taken the day after his death. Later, I found a stack of cards and picked it up to put it away. I actually quietly moaned when I realized it was the contents of Marks' wallet that the police had given to the family after they found his body. I felt overwhelmed as I sat in the car with my two boys and watched Daniel, his cousins and Jeanine, Daniel’s aunt and Mark’s sister, walk through the crash site and pick up pieces of Mark’s motorcycle. It was horrible to watch Jeanine touch the bricks of the wall Mark hit and to see Daniel stand there staring with his arms folded. I thought I could be strong and helpful and ease pain, but as I sat on the couch with my arm around his mom who was weeping and reading emails, she said, “it’s just too hard” and I could do nothing but cry. That’s hardest. That’s overwhelming. And I feel tired and useless.

I know this hard part passes eventually. And I don’t even wish this part were over just yet, I want to feel it and process it and go through it, but I also desperately want to DO something and there’s nothing to do but cry, give love, cry some more and watch those who mean most to you fall to pieces in sadness for a while.

I am not worried about Mark anymore. I know where he is and I know he is working hard in the spirit world to bring the truth of the Gospel to others, just as he did here on earth. He simply has a new calling right now. I feel sad for those who have another 30, 40, 50 years without him. Daniel shouldn’t have to live without a Dad.

Maybe I’ll write later about the facts of the actual crash and what we know, but for now, I am going to wipe away tears, put on makeup and shoes and take Noah to Preschool and Liam to his 18 month check up.

Today was a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day. I want it to be smudged from the record books and never thought of again.

It started off fine, with the sun shining and I even got to sleep in until 9 am!!!! Then I got out of bed - first mistake. I should've stayed in bed with the covers over my head and hoped my boys would fend for themselves. But alas, I got out of bed.

The morning started pretty normal - I fed both boys and cleaned up the house before sitting down for a bowl of cereal, then Liam went down for his normal nap at 10 am and I got ambitious - second mistake. I threw on some sweats, donned Noah in hat, gloves and sweatshirt and decided to take care of my yard. Before Liam awoke at 12:30 pm I had raked and bagged all the leaves in the front and back yard, taken down all Halloween decorations and stowed them safely away in the basement and put up all of our Christmas lights a full month early! I did the last thing after learning a hard, cold lesson last year - I found myself on a rickety ladder with hat, gloves and a down jacket on in 30 degree weather freezing my bum off hanging up Christmas lights in late November ... so I learned my lesson and put them up today in 45 degree weather - so much warmer.

Now, although this all seems like a very good morning spent - getting stuff done - I was totally exhausted and unshowered and undressed by the time Liam woke up and it is just NOT good to be unprepared when Liam wakes up. Liam requires a large quantity of a few things. Those things are food and sleep. I tried to get him happy by giving him a little snack so I could jump in the shower, but no ... after the cup of yogurt, I pulled him out of his highchair and he seemed fine, for about 5 minutes, before he broke down.

And the rest of the day goes downhill from there ... just think about being serenaded by a wailing Liam outside the bathroom door while showering. Think about Noah hitting Liam with a train, his fist, the train tracks, Liam's blanket and several other objects - then Noah telling me it was OK and that he didn't need to go on time out for hitting because he already hugged and kissed Liam and said sorry ... but Liam was still screaming. Imagine Noah wetting his pants and gaining negative points on his potty chart because he completely regressed on potty training in one day to where he was 8 months ago. Now imagine explaining "negative points" to Noah. Then think about a LOT of crying by Liam and a LOT of yelling by Liam and a LOT of talking and questioning by Noah. It's truly like being pecked to death by ducks .... all .... day ..... long. Then imagine me escaping to the kitchen and locking myself in there cramming 3 Musketeers bars, kit kats and Jelly bellies in my mouth to deal with the stress.

It's over now (because I sent Noah to bed a half hour early) and I am going to watch "So You Think You Can Dance" and binge on Halloween candy.

First, here are the crazy party planners that threw the party in the tomb we created:





As you came down the stairs you were greeted by a dead Indiana Jones, trying to escape:



Directly in front of you at the bottom of the stairs was the food table:







To the left of the food table was a mural taken from the Pearl of Great Price (Abraham and Isaac):



On the left wall was a sarcophagus:





To the right of the food table, was another mural (taken from the murals in King Tut's tomb):



More pictures of the right side of the tomb:







And ofcourse ...the fire:

This year I decided to not do a light dinner and to go simply with treats and snacks, here was the menu for the night:

Fried Ravioli with Tomato Basil Cream Sauce
Mini Pumpkin Pies
Spinach Dip in a Sourdough bowl with broccoli and bread
Orange Sherbet Jack-o-Lanterns
Chocolate Butterscotch Cookies
Cider
Hot Chocolate

Recipes:


Fried Ravioli

Olive oil, for frying
1 cup buttermilk
2 cups Italian-style bread crumbs
1 box store-bought cheese ravioli (about 24 ravioli)
1/4 cup freshly grated Parmesan

Directions
1. Pour enough olive oil into a large frying pan to reach a depth of 2 inches. Heat the oil over medium heat until a deep-fry thermometer registers 325 degrees F.
2. While the oil is heating, put the buttermilk and the bread crumbs in separate shallow bowls. Working in batches, dip ravioli in buttermilk to coat completely. Allow the excess buttermilk to drip back into the bowl. Dredge ravioli in the bread crumbs. Place the ravioli on a baking sheet, and continue with the remaining ravioli.
3. When the oil is hot, fry the ravioli in batches, turning occasionally, until golden brown, about 3 minutes. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the fried ravioli to paper towels to drain.
4. Sprinkle the fried ravioli with Parmesan and serve with a bowl of warmed marinara sauce for dipping.

Tomato Basil Cream Sauce

2 Tbsp olive oil
2/3 c. yellow onions
2 tsp. garlic
3 c. peeled, chopped tomatoes
1 sprig thyme
salt
red pepper flakes
½ c. plus 2 Tbsp chicken broth
2 Tbsp tomato paste
1 c. heavy cream
2 Tbsp unsalted butter
4 Tbsp fresh basil

Directions:

1. Heat oil – cook onions and garlic, add tomatoes and thyme, add salt and red pepper flakes.
2. Add chicken broth and tomato paste, bring to boil, cook until reduced 1/3 volume.
3. Add cream, cook until reduced 1/3 in volume.
4. Add butter and basil. Puree sauce in blunder or with hand blender.

Mini Pumpkin Pies






I did a standard pumpkin pie recipe and then tripled the pie crust recipe and cut them into circles and put them in muffin pans to make them "mini".

Spinach Dip in a Sourdough bowl with broccoli and bread

1 c. chopped, cooked spinach (1 10 oz. frozen pkg)
1 c. sour cream
1 c. mayo
3 green onions, chopped
1 8 oz can water chestnuts, chopped
1 package of Knorrs Dried Vegetable Dip

1. Squeeze spinach dry. In medium bowl combine all ingredients
2. Cover and refrigerate for 2 hours
3. Serve chilled with sourdough and raw veggies.

Orange Sherbet Jack-o-Lanterns

Ingredients
4 navel oranges
2 pints mango, passion-fruit, or orange sorbet, softened

Directions
1. Slice off the top quarter of each orange, and reserve for lid. Using a grapefruit spoon or paring knife, scoop or cut out interior of oranges. Reserve flesh for another use, such as fresh orange juice.
2. Use our templates or draw a jack-o'-lantern face freehand. Tape paper to hollowed orange, and cut out features with a craft knife or other small, sharp knife.
3. Pack each orange with sorbet, and top it with a "lid." Bend floral wire, and poke it in -- not through -- top of orange for tendrils. Transfer to a parchment-lined baking sheet, and place in the freezer until firm, about 30 minutes. Oranges with sorbet can be frozen for up to 3 days.



Chocolate Butterscotch Cookies

1 chocolate cake mix
1/2 c. flour
1/2 c. oil
1/4 c. water
1 egg
Butterscotch chips

Bake at 350 for 9-10 min.

Our ward had their Halloween party last night. Daniel and I really love to dress up and go all out for Halloween (OK, I do, but Daniel is a good sport and dresses up too). Last night Daniel and I were Sonny and Cher and the boys both dressed up as "Sharp Tooths" (dinosaurs) - Noah's idea.

As we drove away from the party Daniel turned to me and said, "Not many of the guys there dressed up" .... but DANIEL did!!! He looked awesome, don't you think??














Liam seemed very fascinated/disturbed with Daniel's outfit ... especially the mustache. He just kept staring at him all night.






The Mero Family - Wendy, Tinkerbell and Peter Pan - see!! A guy dressed up!! And in TIGHTS, that's amazing.


You can't see it in this picture, but Armando Ordaz's shirt says "Captain Adorable".


It was WAY past Liam's bedtime and he was beat about halfway through the evening. This was his face, just tired and slightly bored and uninterested in whatever it was that was keeping him from his bed and favorite blanket.


However, he kind of got a second wind after th cider and donuts at the end :)

The one thing that I like best about Michigan and the east coast is Fall. And with Fall it brings: Cider Mills (which includes insanely good cider and cider DONUTS), Daniel starting a new semester of his MBA (only two more years to go - woo hoo!) and Halloween - my all time favorite.

Here are some pictures of our Fall favorites:

Cider Mills


















Cider Mills are usually really fun for the boys, but Liam had missed his morning nap and was pretty upset. I guess he needed some alone time, because several times I tried to pull him into an activity he would just throw his arms down, put on a pouty face and walk off into the farmland surrounding the cider mill. I thought it was hilarious, but Liam seemed very serious.



Daniel started another semester and had midterms this past week - ugh. he has been at school and using every extra moment at home to study ... glad that's over now! But one night I cam home from running some errands and found Daniel at his little "Man Command Center" this is what I found:



And here's all he needs to survive here at home - the remotes (both TV and DVD), a pen, his calculator and his cell phone ... Daniel is so cute.




Noah and I found our Halloween costumes yesterday morning and started exploring for our Ward Halloween Party at church ...

I am a project-type person. I always have about 5 or 6 I am currently working on. Sometimes I overwhelm myself and I'd like to say I "scale back" when I get stressed about it, but no. I don't. Instead, I make lists. Tons of lists. I have a bunch of spiral notebooks with checklists written and crossed off. I just love staying busy. And busy I am! But I don't mind it, it keeps my ever active brain moving towards a useful set of goals. I find that when I am not involved in something, I obsess about small things and get depressed, but not when I have projects!!

Last night I started feeling a little stressed, so I made my list and I am feeling in charge of my life again today. Maybe it's because I made a list and maybe it's because it's Friday, so I know Daniel will be home in a few hours and we have the weekend ahead of us - I LOVE time with Daniel :) But either way I am smiling and I don't even care that it's raining and grey outside. I am pretty sure that if a psychologist were reading this entry, they would have a diagnosis for me pronto, but oh well - that's just me. Wonna know what I'm currently working on ... here's the list:

1. My Halloween Party (this is like 10 ongoing individual projects all in this one).

2. Cleaning and reorganizing the office.

3. Baby bumpers for my friend Leslie.

4. Invitations for another Baby Shower.

5. Figuring out the menu for my Halloween Party.

6. My never ending red quilt :)

7. Redesigning the boys' room for when Liam moves to a "big boy" bed.

8. Planning my Friday night with Daniel and the boys (cupcakes are included).

9. Planning and making lists for the mom to mom sale I am attacking tomorrow morning - woo hoo! Jeans and sweatshirts are in Noah's future!!!

10. Posters and prep for the Primary presentation run-through on Sunday.

11. Making Noah's 2nd and my overall 4th Quiet Book.

12. Teresamia stuff (making bags for a girl that called in an order yesterday).

Fun stuff .. and that's that. I better get rolling!