This is probably one of those posts where I read it later and think, “wow, I’m so glad my life is not like that now” and it will make me grateful in the future, so I’m going to write, otherwise, I should keep this kind of stuff to myself. Just to give you an idea of where this is going, lemme just say – Ray just threw up all over me. It was a big throw up, not a little spit up, maybe about a 1/2 cup’s worth of regurgitated milk, all over my shirt. And guess what? I didn’t rush to change my clothes. Instead, I lifted up my shirt so the wet part wasn’t on my body making me uncomfortable and burped Ray, then put him down and had a bowl of cereal with baby throw up all over the front of me because I wasn’t sure when I’d be able to eat again and it was already 10 am. That’s where we’re headed here with this post.
I feel like the walking dead. I just woke up, hmmmm, I don’t think I was actually asleep for the past 4 1/2 hours, so I don’t know if “woke up” is the right word …. I just left my bedroom. yes, that’s more accurate. I just left my bedroom after a night of about 4 hours of sleep and I am a little delirious. I know this is definitely the wrong time to re-evaluate my life, since I am hormonal being that I just had a baby 3 weeks ago, I am tired because I’ve had little to no good sleep in the last 24 hours and I have hardly interacted with anyone over the age of 6 in the last week, so my social filter is off and what I have to say and think is not for public consumption. You might say, “what about Daniel?” … yeah. I don’t know if we’ve “interacted”, I don’t know what the words are for what we do around each other each day …. “tag team” is the best description I think. So, bad time to reflect on life, but I can’t help but think, “what the heck happened??”
I found myself wondering what happened over the span of time between the hours of 4:30 am and 7:00 am. I sat in my bed, awake just nursing, patting Ray’s back or changing his diaper and watched the sun rise behind my blinds. I wondered what happened as I heard my day begin before I was ready to go to sleep – listening to Ray grunt off and on like he was passing a kidney stone for 3 hours and then hearing Noah and Liam wake up and bounce downstairs and then begin yelling at each other about legos. I saw Daniel wake up and shuffle into the bathroom to get ready, then kiss me goodbye at 6:30 am because he had to be to work early for some meeting and I wondered, “what the heck happened?”
The question still rung in my head as I tried to sleep between the hours of 7 and 8:30 am. I had already changed Ray and nursed him on both sides and wrapped him up to go to sleep, but sleep was not in the cards for me. It was like Chinese torture to try and sleep while every 35- 40 seconds Ray grunted like I did in labor – yelping out every once in a while and I couldn’t just put him in another room where I couldn’t hear him because what if something really bad happened?? So, there I lay, listening to grunting little Ray and not sleeping, but trying and almost falling asleep about 25 times, but only really sleeping for about 2 minutes at a time, if I slept at all. The whole time I kept looking over at Ray to see if he was waking up and needed something, so that I might perhaps be able to rectify the situation, but no. He lay there with a perfectly serene face, eyes closed and then about every 40 seconds, his face would get red and he’d grunt like he was trying to poop a tennis ball, then he’d relax and look serene again. I dare say, he was actually sleeping during all of this.
What happened to me and my life? I remember back in the days when I slept at night, showered in the morning hours and went to work and talked to other adult humans. I remember back in the days when I only had to deal with my own excrement and no one else’s. I remember back in the days when I spent time with Daniel and we talked (about other things besides children, sleep and excrement) and we went out to eat and we felt like a couple, not parents. What the heck happened? …. I am not going to answer that, because I know this is not the time to re-evaluate my life. Just a rhetorical question I guess.
Anyway, I was thinking about my life (as I shouldn’t be) in the shower yesterday while Ray was screaming his head off (by the way – worst shower of my life) and I was thinking about the list of things I do more than 10 times a day and this is what I came up with:
– nurse Ray (in case I am reading this later and am wondering if nursing has gotten better at 3 weeks – no. it hasn’t. It still hurts like the dickens for latch on and the first 20 seconds and then it turns into outrageous itchiness all over my body – this happened with the other two boys also … the itchiness. It’s torturous.)
– change diapers
– rock or pat Ray
– answer questions asked by Noah
– listen to Liam whine about something … really, anything. Sometimes I think he might cross that line and whine to me saying, “Mommmyyyyyy! Why do I have to breathe air … whyyy?? I don’t want to! I not going to.”
– pick up the bathroom hand towel that is inevitably on the floor and hang it back on the towel bar. This drives me crazy … every. single. day.
And here is what I WISH happened more than 10 times a day, every day:
– Daniel would kiss me.
– I would have positive feedback from those around me – a smile, a “thank you” … something positive.
– I heard nothing. No noise, no yelling, no grunting, no fighting, no phone ringing, no running or jumping, no requests, no anything.
– I looked out over an expansive and gorgeous view of the aqua ocean and pristine, white sands in Mexico (what?? This is my wish list right? I can wish for this).
hmmmmmm, that would be nice right? More than 10 times a day.
Solution for silence. Sit in your car all alone.
I do it all the time and it feels great. You can talk on the phone without interruptions in your car, you can fart and crack the window in your car, you can cry in your car, you can sing in your car, you can sleep in your car, you can talk to yourself in your car. you can write in your journal in your car. you can text “your daniel” and see if dinner is ready yet in your car, you can paint your nails in your car, you can get on your laptop in your car, you can sit and watch the planes go by in your car, you can pray in your car out loud and ask for help, patience, guidance.
See there is lots of stuff you can do in your car.
I am serious that its a good thing. I promise. I do it all the time.
I know it doesn’t seem like it, but all of this deepens your ability to love. I know that doesn’t mean much right now, but it will later. For now, let Liz take the baby and you get a good nap. It is amazing what a little bit of sleep will do for your whole outlook on life, and how being deprived of it is what they do in Gitmo for torture.
Love,
Mom
Remember how later on when you are nursing, you can almost fall asleep and it doesn’t hurt anymore? You will. Don’t worry, you will.