I was gonna … but then I didn’t.

Posted on March 20, 2013 by francescaforsyth

This is Chiara, day two:

I woke up this morning wishing I didn’t have to. As the morning progressed and I had to convince kids to shower, make Noah’s lunch, make breakfast, cheer up Liam even though I felt like crap, change a poopy diaper and go out in the cold to start the car so it would be warm for my boys, I was writing a blog entry in my head.

I couldn’t wait to get home and write it all out. All the sad, hateful, angry thoughts of injustice of being a mommy. I had been thinking of it all since last night, really. When Daniel and I watched the 18 minute video capturing the essence of his Brothers Gone Wild trip he took last August for a week alone with his brothers. I thought about how unfair it was that I never get time away. Just me. No kids. Just calm. I got to do that with Daniel in Cancun last year, but so had he. And I had done it 8 months pregnant and nearly passed out in my compression garments and jeans, waiting for our flight to leave humid Cancun. I had the same vacation he had, but with humiliating stretch marks and massive thighs, waddling around a swanky hotel as a human balloon, watching all these bikini-clad, tan ladies with beautiful thin bodies. Oh man, I was gonna make Daniel understand what it’s like to be a mommy.

I was gonna write it all out. I was gonna do it in terms he would understand – I was planning on writing a job description of a mommy and ask him, with a smug smile on my face, “Would YOU take a job like this? huh?” And I would know the answer and look for empathy and love and appreciation from him. Instead, I know I would get a tired response, “no, honey, you have it rough. It sucks to be you. I’m sorry”. I was gonna, but then I didn’t.

My friend Christine has this way of finding specifically poignant stories and talks about motherhood and then sending me the link. Gah! I saw the link to a story she sent me yesterday and I thought I wanted to write my sob story of the drudgery it is to be a mother and NOT read her link. Then I read it. And teared up. And felt stupid. And thought – I have it all mixed up.

It’s true that Daniel will never experience labor and delivery, but he will never know love like I experience it either. He will not know the connection a mother has to her baby. The feelings of carrying that little human – growing him in your tummy. The miracle of birth. The overwhelming feelings of power and gratitude of birth; not knowing you could endure and carry out such a thing and then watch that tiny human grow before your eyes. He will not know what it is. He will watch it and feel a sense of it, but not live it. I will. I do.

This is the article that darn Christine sent me: These Are the Lines of a Story

It’s a beautiful remembrance of what I should see in my everyday life as a mother. So there. I didn’t write the job description like I kind of wanted to (it would’ve been awful … truly awful). But I wrote something else instead.

This one kind of goes out to my youngest sister, Aria, who just had her third baby, her first sweet baby girl, Chiara, yesterday. Aria did it. It’s a total miracle that we do what we do, Chick and you did it.

best. monday. ever.

Posted on February 18, 2013 by francescaforsyth

I’m not gonna lie, I usually crash and burn on Mondays. They are not my forte. I’m usually overwhelmed by it and I miss Daniel Cakes after having had him with me every waking moment over the weekend. So Mondays usually suck. But not today and I’ll tell you why: I prayed.

I don’t always share spiritual experiences, but I felt like I needed to document this. I want to remember it.

I was asked to give a talk on the 24th on “increasing your faith”. It sounded totally ambiguous to me and nothing came to mind when I heard the topic. I even did a half hour of looking around on lds.org to help find other talks for inspiration. And I was coming up empty. So then it was Monday morning, this morning, and I had all three boys home because of midwinter break and a talk to write and a house to clean, laundry (of course) hanging over my head and blah, blah, blah, I was stressed before I even got out of my bed.

The morning was a little foggy and weird because I was up off and on starting at 5 am because of Ray, but I did get to sleep in a little because I didn’t have to rush out the door to get boys to school. I was going about my business, making breakfast, feeding Ray, putting in a load of laundry and wondering when I could find a few minutes to dedicate to study for my talk. I finally got Ray down for a morning nap and stopped and knelt by my bed. I very realistically prayed. I told the Lord that I didn’t know how I was going to do this because I could never carve out more than 15 minute increments to dedicate to anything during the day and that I needed help. I asked for the Lord to help me write this talk …. and fast. Really. I know everything is supposed to be on the Lord’s time table and I should submit to Him, but I was very seriously just telling him what I needed help with and asking for Him to bless me.

I sat down on my bed with the laptop on my legs and searched and read for about 15 minutes and I was so frustrated. I was not finding what I was looking for. I had to stop and change the loads, make lunch for the boys and go potty. I did those things and came back to the laptop. And then it worked. I found a great talk by Dallin H. Oaks that really got the ball rolling and that was it. Everything clicked. I don’t even know how it all worked out, but I wrote the whole talk, the whole thing and did so much around the house too. I got it all done and more. It made me think of this talk I heard about mothers and how they would be blessed and “made more than you are”. Today I felt like that was true.

I looked around at 4:30 pm and realized I had accomplished more than I have been able to do in over a week. Here’s the list of accomplishments:

washed and folded three loads of clothes
wrote my whole talk
rearranged Ray’s nursery
made breakfast, lunch and dinner before 4:30 pm (had all day beef stew going in the oven all day and ready to eat at dinnertime)
picked up the front room, my room, the kitchen and bathroom
gave Liam a bath
got the boys to do their chores
swept the kitchen floor
cleaned my craft area downstairs
fed Ray 4 separate times
cleared off the dresser in my room
called Eddie Bauer about my ruined coat, then fixed my coat and washed it.
saved the bouquet of dying flowers Daniel brought home for me a week ago
checked and sent emails
helped Noah read a chapter and a half of the Book of Mormon

Maybe that doesn’t sound like a lot to others, but for me, that was miraculous. I felt such an overwhelming feeling of love and gratitude by the end of the day that I had to kneel and thank my Father in heaven for hearing and answering my prayer so obviously and immediately. I didn’t think it could get better …. then Daniel called me at 4:45 pm and told me he was coming home early. I seriously almost burst into tears of joy. My cup runneth over … really. best. Monday. ever.

decisions

Posted on December 12, 2012 by francescaforsyth

It’s 10:45 am and I’m trying to decide whether I should shower or eat breakfast before I have to wake up Ray early from his nap, get back in the car and pick up Liam from preshool. What have I done wrong in my life that I’m trying to choose between eating and showering at this late hour in the morning? let’s see …. I think this is how the morning went ….

7:35 am – woke up to a crying Baby Ray and I had started my period.

7:45 am – nursed Ray

8:08 am – put Ray in the bouncer and forced the boys to stop playing legos and get ready for school ….. much yelling and sadness later …

8:55 am – drop off Noah to school, one minute late.

9 am – get stamps and drop off Christmas cards in the mailbox on the way to take Liam to pre school.

9:20 am – drop off Liam at pre school.

9:30 am – go pick up Midol and tampons at CVS

9:45 am – at home, Nurse Ray and go potty.

10:15 am – address and stamp about 30 Christmas cards … still not finished. Change the sheets on Ray’s bedding because he barfed on them while I addressed.

10:45 am – decision making time about food or shower.

Yeah, that’s what led up to this. I don’t think it could’ve gone any differently. What should I have cut out and done instead? Now it’s 11:15 am and I need to wake up Ray and go get Liam. Shower will have to be after lunch because Liam will be ready to eat when we get home and Ray will be upset … maybe I’ll feed Ray again … or try to put him back to sleep?? I dunno. And so the day marches on.

just waiting

Posted on December 4, 2012 by francescaforsyth

So, Ray got up at 4:30 am and then again at 7:30 am and desperately needs a nap but he can’t get himself to fall asleep. I just put him down again, it’s 10 am, but I already tried at 9 am and that was unsuccessful…. so I am basically waiting. He’s crying right now but I have about 10 minutes to kill waiting to see if this nap “takes”. If it doesn’t, it’s back to the drawing board – and such is my life.

I have noticed a few things lately that I want to document:

– it seems as though Ray was one too many people to add to our prayers. Now, when Noah and Liam ask Heavenly Father to bless our family members, they get all confused and it goes something like this, “Please bless Daddy and Noah and mommy and … Ray …. and Noah … and Liam and daddy …. (long pause) …. and thank you for …” and the prayer continues. But 5 people to bless just pushed the memory capacity over its limit and so several people get blessed twice and some not at all. It’s funny.

– Liam says “candy cans” instead of “candy canes”. It’s adorable. I’ve corrected him several times, but it doesn’t seem to matter. oh well. Not going to try too hard to correct that one. It’s cute.

– two nights ago I added something different to our dinner table. I had hosted bookclub the night before so I had special food in the house. So I put together a plate of sliced pears with brie on top and drizzled it with some good balsamic vinegar. I put it on the table and Noah looked at it and said in a straight tone, “well, THAT’s really something”.

Things are not bad around here … dare I say “good”? This Christmas season is shaping up nicely. Last year I hated it. Super busy – I was in charge of the ward Christmas party, I was 3 months pregnant, and there seemed to be no time for the stuff that really matters. This year feels better and we’ve done some good things. I’ll blog about that later … new Christmas traditions, but right now, my ten minutes is almost up and Ray has just hit a new level of desperate in his voice. I want to whine a bit.

I know I should be super grateful, but this morning I wasn’t. I don’t really feel relaxed much these days and I miss quiet. I woke up at 4:30 to Ray crying and then at 7:30 am I woke up to Noah coughing. So now everyone is home from school and I get to care for hyperactive sick kids. It sounds like an oxymoron right? Hyperactive and sick? Well, with Noah, it’s not. They go hand in hand. He rarely slows down. Ray is screaming, Noah is coughing, Liam hasn’t done his chores and I should be getting after him to do it, dishes need to be done, I haven’t worked out in a month, I need to shower ….. and all I want to do is go to my bed and take a midmorning nap. Quietly. Which wouldn’t be able to happen in THIS house …. so I’d have to transport my bed to an alternate universe somewhere, where I don’t have sick kids or responsibilities or a fat tire around my middle.

And I think, “Am I really going to miss this stage of life?” Why do older adults always tell me I’m going to miss this? I kind of hate that. Am I really going to miss nursing? That is something I have never found to be wonderful. Not bonding, not calming, not comfortable ….. nursing Ray is very similar to what nursing Noah was like: they have this way of gnawing at me like I’ve seen dogs gnaw at their chew toys. They both do this thing where they latch on hard with their gums, pull back with their heads and punch their little fists into my breast to really stretch me to my fullest. With that kind of action, it’s no wonder I have stretch marks and my boobs hang near my waist. seriously. And I’ve never been able to fall asleep while nursing them, it’s painful, partly because of the stretching thing they do and partly because they nurse pretty fast. Done in about 5 to 10 minutes, then we switch sides, so no real relaxing, long, warm, bonding nursing time – it’s always fast, furious and painful. Will I miss that? Will I miss sickness that HAS to run it’s course through everyone in the house at separate times so that sickness is in your house for at least a solid month? Will I miss that? Or how about the constant companionship of dishes and laundry needing to be done. A real and constant threat that we won’t have dishes to eat off of or underwear and pants to wear everyday? Miss that??

OK, done whining. Now I’m going to try and bury this post in a bunch of positive and happy ones so as not to be a downer…. but seriously. Sometimes it would be soooooo nice to wake up to a completely silent house…. and not in a eerie and frightening way, like everyone must be dead kind of way, but in an “oh look, it seems as though my children are just healthfully sleeping until 10 am today” kind of way. Is that even possible? I wish. Well, Ray stopped screaming. Blogging works! I would’ve gone and gotten him had it not been for something to distract me and allow me to whine!! Ha!

what day is it?

Posted on November 13, 2012 by francescaforsyth

I felt like I needed to have a recent picture of Ray up here. There we go. I took it with my phone a few days ago while I was sitting in the recliner just holding Ray. I find myself in this perdicament a lot lately. Just holding Ray. It’s so hard to do things with him in my arms, that finally I give up and just hold him and look at him and think, “I have so much to do right now. How are YOU ruling my life? You are a puney 14 lb thing that seems to take up every ounce of energy. How is that possible?”

Well, it is.

He’s 5 months now, so let’s do a review on what little Ray is like:

– needy. super needy. He doesn’t like it when I put him down. at all. He doesn’t like the swing, bouncer, tummy time, Daddy … anything or anyone for very long (and I mean more than 35 seconds when I say “very long”) other than me. That’s flattering and loving and all, but a little bit of a pain too. But it’s super hard not to love a face like his. He smiles almost everytime you look at him.

– I can tell he knows my voice and he sees me and knows me. If I happen to walk through the front room while he’s in Daniel’s arms, he sees me and makes dramatic noises (whimpers, whines, grunts, wails, cries, etc). Or if he hears my voice talking to Noah or Liam in the other room, he freaks out. It’s like he’s saying, “what?! She’s here and not holding me?? What???! GET IN HERE!”

– This kid will STILL not take a bottle, at all. Not having it. But I feel like my milk production is waning and he’s dropped from the 50 percentile in weight to the 28th percentile …. so I need to supplement somehow. I started him on solids about 3 weeks ago and he’s doing pretty well. So far he’s eaten bananas, pears and appleauce was introduced yesterday. But he needs liquids and nutrients and that only comes from either me or formula. This kid makes me nervous. Hopefully he will start chubbing up, but for now, he’s a tall skinny thing.

– He loves to rub soft things against his lips. This is something we recognize from Liam. Liam did the same thing to soothe himself to sleep or just whenever. Ray does it too. It is the cutest thing to see his jerky arms flail around and grab something soft, then he gets this concentrated look on his face as he tries to shove his fist towards his little sucking lips. He’s getting better at it, but sometimes he jerks his fist holding softness away from his lips or he smacks himself in the face. Then he looks super sad. It’s cute and sad and hilarious at the same time.

– We recently got him a “Bundle Me”. It’s basically a sleeping bag for his carseat. It fits inside the carseat and the buckles come through slots and you can zip the whole thing over the front of him … like a sleeping bag. It’s all soft and cozy on the inside and Ray looks so comfy inside. Plus, he gets to rub the soft inside against his little lips, which makes everything OK.

– he sleeps 12 hours at night. Bless him for this. He goes down around 7 or 7:30 pm and wakes up around 7 or 7:30 am. This saves our sanity. Now if we could only figure out naptimes during the days, I could keep us in clean underwear and take showers more regularly

– his hair is ridiculous. It’s all lucious and thick on top, right in the middle of his head, like a mohawk and he’s rubbing the sides and back off. The thick part doesn’t lay straight though. It kind of lays down and then sticks out at a 45 degree angle away from his head. It’s ridiculous.

– he’s very aware and alert and he loves to be in a front pack, facing out at the world around him. loves it. He wants to see everything and smile at it, from the comfort of mommy’s arms.

Bottom line – we love him like crazy. He is a perfect little man.

As for me – I’m totally falling apart, all the time. I really feel like I’ve found my limit and I guess it’s three kids. I am constantly worried. About all three of them. And it’s driving me crazy.

I worry about Noah because we don’t always get his homework done and piano practice in. If I’m not totally on top of it, sometimes it doesn’t get done and I feel like Noah’s teachers must think I’m an absentee parent, not caring about his learning and development. For instance – Noah was the “Kool Aid Kid” this week. He brought home a special bag with a package of kool aid, a posterboard and a book in it. Noah was supposed to make and enjoy the kool aid (did it, check), fill out the book about himself (did that, check) and make a posterboard all about him – not even close. The posterboard is still sitting on the art table downstairs and it’s Tuesday, which means IF we get to it today, maybe he’ll have it for Wednesday, which is the last day of this week because they don’t have school on Thursday and Friday for parent-teacher conferences and I think the posterboard was due ….. Monday?? I’m failing.

I worry about Liam because I feel like he’s getting lost in the shuffle. He doesn’t have pressing matters like homework or nursing needs, so Liam kind of floats, unattended in the middle of the pack. And my Liam needs so much more love than I give him. He’s always asking me, “what can I do?” or “can we play a game?” or “can I help you?” He’s a little love and he needs more attention, but I am swamped with daily chores, nursing, feeding, changing, and holding Ray, then homework, piano practice and dinner at night when Noah is home. Poor Liam. He wants to do projects and go to the library and help mommy. I am failing with him.

I worry about Ray. Is he eating enough? Peeing and pooping enough? He’s not gaining enough weight. He’s not on a regular nap schedule. When was the last time I bathed him? …. uh. And to try and remedy the whole wanting-to-be-held-all-the-time issue, I did some serious research on slings and baby carrying wraps and finally bought a “boba wrap” online and it came yesterday! …. and Ray hates it. The wrap feels sooooo much better on my back than the baby bjorn carrier I have, but Ray doesn’t like how tight the boba wrap keeps him to me. His little head is always whipping around trying to see what’s going on when he’s facing me, so I face him out and he looks super uncomfortable in it. The baby bjorn holds him better as a front pack, but it KILLS my back. I am still sore from last night, when I held him in the baby bjorn for 45 minutes while I made dinner. I am failing in the baby carrier department.

This past weekend Elder Dallin H. Oaks came to our stake conference. It was inspirational. Being in the same room with an apostle of the Lord while he speaks is powerful. You feel the truthfulness of his words. And of any of the apostles, I think Dallin H. Oaks is one of the most learned. He was on the Utah State Supreme Court before he resigned to become an apostle. He talked about how his first assignment as an apostle was to address the general authorities about justice, mercy and the atonement – so for 2 months, he read all of the gospels (Old and New Testaments, Book of Mormon, Pearl of Great Price and Doctrine and Covenants) and highlighted every verse that talked about his topic. He read all of the gospels in 2 months! Everything he talked about was something I wanted to write down and put up on my walls at home, so I’d remember it and do it. I was renewed spiritually and resolved to do better in my church callings. And then I got a call and chastisement from a visiting teaching supervisor who told me I had really dropped the ball with my visiting teaching since I had my baby and that I needed to do better. It was like a punch in the stomach. I am failing in my church work.

And now it is time for Thanksgiving. I still have Halloween decorations up on my front porch and I leave to visit family in CA on Saturday and I’m so excited, but worried at the same time. I have so much to do. Packing for 4 people – me and all the boys. I want to make sure it’s all done by Friday night because I leave Saturday morning with Ray and Daniel leaves Saturday afternoon with Noah and Liam. I need to make sure Daniel, Noah and Liam are all prepped and taken care of before I leave and I should be doing that right now. But I stopped to sit and write and this is somewhat therapuetic for me.

And what day is it? yeah, it’s Tuesday. I can do it, I think. But I wish I were asking that question like I did when I was in Cancun with Daniel. I asked, “what day is it?” because one day of leisure was falling into the next and there were no committments or responsibilities to mark the days as they slipped peacefully by. But now I ask, “what day is it?” with worry and anxiety in my tone – wondering what the heck happened to Monday and what did I accomplish, because now it’s Tuesday and I still need to pack, work out, shower, do that poster with Noah, spend time with Liam, Ray is going to wake up any minute and I haven’t put away the 3 loads of clothes in my bedroom … what is going on around here?

Anyway, I always have to remember that beautiful quote by President Gordon B. Hinkley: “It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us…He will hear our prayers.”

amen.