10 times a day

This is probably one of those posts where I read it later and think, “wow, I’m so glad my life is not like that now” and it will make me grateful in the future, so I’m going to write, otherwise, I should keep this kind of stuff to myself. Just to give you an idea of where this is going, lemme just say – Ray just threw up all over me. It was a big throw up, not a little spit up, maybe about a 1/2 cup’s worth of regurgitated milk, all over my shirt. And guess what? I didn’t rush to change my clothes. Instead, I lifted up my shirt so the wet part wasn’t on my body making me uncomfortable and burped Ray, then put him down and had a bowl of cereal with baby throw up all over the front of me because I wasn’t sure when I’d be able to eat again and it was already 10 am. That’s where we’re headed here with this post.

I feel like the walking dead. I just woke up, hmmmm, I don’t think I was actually asleep for the past 4 1/2 hours, so I don’t know if “woke up” is the right word …. I just left my bedroom. yes, that’s more accurate. I just left my bedroom after a night of about 4 hours of sleep and I am a little delirious. I know this is definitely the wrong time to re-evaluate my life, since I am hormonal being that I just had a baby 3 weeks ago, I am tired because I’ve had little to no good sleep in the last 24 hours and I have hardly interacted with anyone over the age of 6 in the last week, so my social filter is off and what I have to say and think is not for public consumption. You might say, “what about Daniel?” … yeah. I don’t know if we’ve “interacted”, I don’t know what the words are for what we do around each other each day …. “tag team” is the best description I think. So, bad time to reflect on life, but I can’t help but think, “what the heck happened??”

I found myself wondering what happened over the span of time between the hours of 4:30 am and 7:00 am. I sat in my bed, awake just nursing, patting Ray’s back or changing his diaper and watched the sun rise behind my blinds. I wondered what happened as I heard my day begin before I was ready to go to sleep – listening to Ray grunt off and on like he was passing a kidney stone for 3 hours and then hearing Noah and Liam wake up and bounce downstairs and then begin yelling at each other about legos. I saw Daniel wake up and shuffle into the bathroom to get ready, then kiss me goodbye at 6:30 am because he had to be to work early for some meeting and I wondered, “what the heck happened?”

The question still rung in my head as I tried to sleep between the hours of 7 and 8:30 am. I had already changed Ray and nursed him on both sides and wrapped him up to go to sleep, but sleep was not in the cards for me. It was like Chinese torture to try and sleep while every 35- 40 seconds Ray grunted like I did in labor – yelping out every once in a while and I couldn’t just put him in another room where I couldn’t hear him because what if something really bad happened?? So, there I lay, listening to grunting little Ray and not sleeping, but trying and almost falling asleep about 25 times, but only really sleeping for about 2 minutes at a time, if I slept at all. The whole time I kept looking over at Ray to see if he was waking up and needed something, so that I might perhaps be able to rectify the situation, but no. He lay there with a perfectly serene face, eyes closed and then about every 40 seconds, his face would get red and he’d grunt like he was trying to poop a tennis ball, then he’d relax and look serene again. I dare say, he was actually sleeping during all of this.

What happened to me and my life? I remember back in the days when I slept at night, showered in the morning hours and went to work and talked to other adult humans. I remember back in the days when I only had to deal with my own excrement and no one else’s. I remember back in the days when I spent time with Daniel and we talked (about other things besides children, sleep and excrement) and we went out to eat and we felt like a couple, not parents. What the heck happened? …. I am not going to answer that, because I know this is not the time to re-evaluate my life. Just a rhetorical question I guess.

Anyway, I was thinking about my life (as I shouldn’t be) in the shower yesterday while Ray was screaming his head off (by the way – worst shower of my life) and I was thinking about the list of things I do more than 10 times a day and this is what I came up with:

– nurse Ray (in case I am reading this later and am wondering if nursing has gotten better at 3 weeks – no. it hasn’t. It still hurts like the dickens for latch on and the first 20 seconds and then it turns into outrageous itchiness all over my body – this happened with the other two boys also … the itchiness. It’s torturous.)

– change diapers

– rock or pat Ray

– answer questions asked by Noah

– listen to Liam whine about something … really, anything. Sometimes I think he might cross that line and whine to me saying, “Mommmyyyyyy! Why do I have to breathe air … whyyy?? I don’t want to! I not going to.”

– pick up the bathroom hand towel that is inevitably on the floor and hang it back on the towel bar. This drives me crazy … every. single. day.

And here is what I WISH happened more than 10 times a day, every day:

– Daniel would kiss me.

– I would have positive feedback from those around me – a smile, a “thank you” … something positive.

– I heard nothing. No noise, no yelling, no grunting, no fighting, no phone ringing, no running or jumping, no requests, no anything.

– I looked out over an expansive and gorgeous view of the aqua ocean and pristine, white sands in Mexico (what?? This is my wish list right? I can wish for this).

hmmmmmm, that would be nice right? More than 10 times a day.


sundays, minus church

I have been spending Sundays at home with Ray for the past 3 weeks. Because of this, I have been yearning for some spiritual uplift and that’s where cable stepped in. Yes. Cable. We have access to BYUTV through our cable set up, so for the past three Sundays, I sit down to nurse Ray and see what’s on BYUTV. The past two Sundays have been talks from the most recent Women’s Conference in April of this year. And they have been wonderful! Just what I needed.

Last week I heard a talk that inspired me to move things around in our front room to make a space for the laptop to be accessible to the boys and to be in an open area. The talk mentioned how it is important to have the computer out in the open, where everyone can see what you’re looking at online. I have always thought this was a good idea, but never knew where I would find space in my tiny front room to do that – but after last week’s talk, I made it happen and I love it. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, eh?

This week I heard a few quotes that I wanted to put up in my home. I love word art in the home and I already have a few things up in my front room. But now I want to put things in my boys’ room and other places. One of the quotes is at the top of this post (by the way, I got a template for that design here). The other quote is here:

My little Noah is always so scared at night. I remember being the same way. I was fearful of so many things. I want Noah to know that he does not need to be afraid. So I will put this one in the boys’ room next to Noah’s bed.

As for the quote at the beginning of this post, it may seem odd to have an inspirational quote about making mistakes, but I want my boys to know that no matter what, they are loved. I want our family to feel that. I know it will make us stronger as a little family to know that there is nothing that can stand in the way of us becoming an eternal family, as long as we try.

And that’s my Sunday activity for the day. Happy Sabbath.

all three boys

Yesterday I caught all three boys on my bed at once and I pulled out the camera to catch a few shots of them all together. I know I’m biased but they are all so darn gorgeous!

I don’t know why, but I adore this picture of the boys. Liam’s fuzzy face in the foreground, Ray looking right at the camera and Noah’s little sweet face … just love it all.


So, days keep passing and I don’t know where they go. I watch the clock all day long (timing feedings and naps) and I just watch time slip by. Within the past few days I have learned a few sad, but true facts about myself:

1. I have become partial to stretchy clothes.

2. I don’t shower every day, do my hair or put on makeup … and deodorant is for sissies.

3. A piece of toast is an acceptable and fortifying breakfast.

4. I don’t walk outside of these 1000 square feet of my house – therefore, my boys don’t either – therefore we all watch entirely too much HGTV and Food Network these days.

5. I have dreams about fearlessly going number 2 on the potty.

6. Every time I think, “OK, everything is OK, I got this whole infant and three kids thing down!” I remember that there are friends still bringing food to my house, I am not actually accomplishing anything except for keeping bums dry and clean and I have not left my house in 4 days … then I think, “I do not ‘got this'”.

Things are not bad, in fact, they are good. Ray is doing well, I am healing up, and the boys play a lot of legos and happily watch movies, HGTV and Food network (thank heavens they are into building and cooking).

Another thing I like? Ray sleeps at night. Not all the way through, but he only gets up twice during the night and Daniel helps. We have a good little routine going on at night – Daniel gets up when Ray starts grunting (by the way, this kid is pretty good – he hardly ever cries, just grunts to show his discomfort or displeasure with any given situation) and then Daniel changes his diaper and hands him to me. I take Ray and feed and burp him, then Daniel puts him back to bed.

Another thing I like? ….. my Daniel Cakes. ahhhhhhhh. He is heaven. I miss him everyday and wish he were near me. He is soothing and loving and tells me I’m beautiful, even with facts numbers 1 and 2 staring him in the face.

I do feel like I’m missing out on my favorite part of the year: summertime. I long to make trips to Ann Arbor and go to the Farmer’s Market. I want to do outside activities with the boys and take trips to our closest beach. I want to go to Home Depot and get some PVC pipe and make a kid car wash with my boys, so they have something cool to play with this summer in the backyard. But that is a little on hold right now. Baby Ray is too little to take out and about and truthfully, if I did all those things, I think it would be too much for me too, but I like to think about it anyway. Anyway, those are the facts these days.